Numb

Blah. Where to start.

I've been in a...we'll call it a slump...

I knew I'd had some rough days, that's kinda human though right?  Overall I thought I'd been doing pretty good.  I know winter is always a little challenging for me, but I had a plan!  I started taking Vitamin D in September.  Last month I bought a 'happy lamp'.  Yep.  I've been keeping myself occupied and entertained and as far as time and life would allow I've been doing everything I thought I should to keep myself healthy, positive and happy.

I've been trying. I promise.

But the other day at the agility trial, it was Sarah and Amanda who played with Neena first. And normally that wouldn't bother me at all...except it hadn't even crossed my mind to play with her. Heck, I hadn't even brought a toy.

I hadn't even brought a toy.

I know I know, sounds like a silly thing to freak out about right? But it was more than just a blonde moment…trust me, I have plenty of those and I have NO problem owning up to them.  I was totally spaced out...and as I started thinking back over the past months…there were so many days, events, moments, where I've gone through the motions…but I haven't really been 'there'.

And I although I was thinking “this is not how I want to live my life” and “this is not the gal I want to be”...I felt numb. And absolutely drained.  I had no idea how, and worse no energy to pick up the pieces...again.  I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.  Or cry in a bucket of Ben & Jerry's...just for you Sherry;)...you have so much faith in me...its humbling.

Anyways, it’s been a messy, ugly couple of weeks.  For now Priority #1 is to take better care of myself...sleep, exercise, and nutrition.  Priority #2 is Neena, it’s been a blow to realize just how far I tuned out on her…and it hurts that for now its a conscious effort to give her what she deserves.  She makes life so easy...its me that makes it so hard.  With a little work, hopefully the rest will fall in place too.

In the meantime, I’ve handled a lot of situations really badly.  I’ve turned moments that were intended to make me smile into drama.  I’ve let comments that I normally would have blown off hurt me.  I've dragged others down with me.  And I’ve lashed out in fear, pain and anger.  I’m disappointed in myself, but at this point I need to stop focusing on that, and start focusing on one step at a time.

That being said...I wanted to do this the beginning of the year...but as I do oh so often, I over thought it and let it slide.  There's a writer named Ann Voskamp who wrote a book called "One Thousand Gifts"...every Monday she adds to her 'a Thousand, Endless Gifts' list...today she entered #2218 on her blog.

I think it will be a good way to help me stay positive, and it’s also something I hope I can commit to even with my crazy schedule. So I'm gonna try to keep my own "One Thousand Gifts" list...we'll see if I always post it here...but its a start.

(p.s. this is in no particular order, its just whatever pops into my head.)

#1-9 of my Thousand, Endless Gifts
~ a border collie who walks with me
~ laundry warm from the dryer

~ the beautiful ambitious girl

~ strength to 'ride it out'

~ touch therapy

~ a bubble bath and a good book

~ a friend who I vicariously live through

~ brothers I can lean on
~ friends who have Neena's back

$24,000

I filed my divorce papers today.

I didn't cry...but I've cried.  I never 'wanted' to be a divorcee.  I never 'wanted' to be a failure.  I never 'wanted' to hurt myself, or my ex, or my friends and family.  I never 'wanted' any of this.

But I've also never 'wanted' the opportunity to go back.

Sure I could have stayed.  I could have lots of pretty 'things'...in fact he currently has $24,000 sitting in the joint account he refuses to close.  Instead I gave up my financial stability and wealth.  I gave up my plans for a family.  I opened myself up for criticism, judgement and condemnation.

The alternative was to waste our time.  I could have lived a lie.  I could have caused even more hurt and pain.  And I have no doubt in my mind I would have. 

Instead I chose to give us both a chance at a real future.

I don't have to explain my decision to anyone...its sometimes hard for people to understand anyways.  What is important is I have peace in my heart. 

And to me, that's worth more than $24,000.

Stuck

This is what happens when one fearless farm girl (not me!) buys a 4x4. 

I took my turn shoveling too...no worries.  This kinda behavior is what gives gal drivers a bad name...we abused this poor truck.  But we also dug ourselves out when we got stuck.  And I think that says a lot about the kind of gals we are.

Weekend Adventures

Neena and I headed up to visit Michelle & Mack Friday night...much fun was had by all...I found some photographic evidence on my phone the next day...

We visited with Michelle's landlord...there was some silliness..."Little Temple" drives a hard bargain...

But he's also a retired veterinarian and we got to talking about vet school.  He told me I'd better go to vet school, but he also told me I'm a cute little thing...so I'm not sure how much stock I'm going to put in that opinion lol.

Saturday morning Neena and I headed to the Training Troop Trial in Balzac, she started prancing in the back seat while we parked.  We walked right into the arena, through the scary entrance...under the scary mezzanine...and then she saw Amanda and got all wiggly.  It was very cute!

She was upbeat and happy the whole time, she did get a little worried from time to time, but no more than how she gets at the entrance to our own agility arena.  I/we could always get her to play, or do a trick, or say hi...it was awesome! 

You can see...she's just a little worried here...but she's about as relaxed as Neena ever is in a busy situation, and she's still smiling!

What a relief...and yep...I promise one of these days I will start trusting her.  She deserves it...over and over she proves she's stronger than I give her credit for.  Gosh I heart this dog...

The next step...

Today is a big day…first, I started my next (last?) semester of pre-requisite hell. Here’s the thing...maybe I’m fooling myself, but I’m really not enjoying ‘this part’ of my educational journey. I keep telling myself there will be classes that I don’t love at vet school, but I also think it will be more like college…courses I’m interested in and where I can see the application! However there’s this little voice in the back of my head that says…Peters…you’re a fool…

Anywho…I’m actively ignoring that voice at the moment.

This semester I’m enrolled in chemistry, biology, and biochemistry. Between 12 hours of lecture and 6 hours of lab time per week it’s going to be busy. Kim, my boss, has been great helping me juggle work and school; I’m only working about 20hrs/week this semester. I’m hoping that will help with the stress level although I’m a little disappointed too, Murphy’s Law that we are doing work at the feedlot that I’m missing out on.

Second reason today is a big day…my vet school application is in the mail. Holy smokes was writing that baby stressful. YOU try to describe your job in 50 well written words. Also grammar has never ever been my strength, last night I was wishing I’d asked my English prof to proofread it for me. And while there are a lot of strengths in my application, I couldn’t help but notice all the gaps. The reality of the situation is my grades are ok but not excellent, I have a lot of good qualifications but I should have more veterinarian experience, and my competition is fierce. My chances of getting in this year are pretty slim, I’ve known that all along, and set my goal for this year at an interview. I should know about that by the beginning of March.

So then what? It came up in a conversation with a friend the other day...what if you don’t get an interview or in? My response...

“Try, try again…I’m a stubborn bitch! And I’ll spend the next year strengthening my application and driving them crazy;)”

Look out U of C...I almost feel sorry for you lol...almost...

Indoor Trials

Its been a year since Neena's melt-down at the Training Troop trial.  In December the premium came out for this years January trial, and while I really wanted to enter, I honestly wasn't sure what was best for Neena.  Did I enter her and risk a repeat?

At the same time, we've come so far since then!  She's had minor melt-downs and managed to work through them (the monster truck at the Whoop Up Days demo), and the August trial was an outright success!  Every day she gains just a little more confidence...and I'm so happy to see it.  I think a majority of it was a time thing, she's really grown up this past year, but I also like to think at least a small part of it was because of things I've done to help her (usually at the suggestion from some really amazing friends!). 

But she is still worried and fearful at some point on most of our walks through the city.  I actually refuse to only off-leash walk her for that reason, it seems like if I don't keep her working/walking in the city we lose some ground.  City buses, loud trucks...oh my today was a nightmare with all the snowplows...still make her visibly scared.  Somedays its hard not the think a different owner, a more experienced trainer, might be able to bring her farther.  I feel like I'm not helping her reach her full potential...its hard...but then I smack myself and remind myself there are other reasons why we are meant to be each others:).

Bottom line...we've come a long way, but I know we still have work to do..and I accept (maybe wrongly) that there will always be certain triggers for her.  And in general she's been more comfortable at outdoor events...so I wasn't sure I could go to an indoor trial without the fear of a repeat in my mind, and even if she was ok, that my fears would fuel hers.

I ended up asking Sarah what to do...she told me to enter her in 2 of her favorite events each day, and to pretend I'd never been there before:).  Unfortunately, the trial is very popular and we didn't get in...I'm still considering driving up this weekend anyways, I think it might be really good for both of us!  It would be nice to give her a chance to chill out at the arena without any pressure to perform.  And I could go and stop being a silly emotional girl.  And...AND...we could cheer on our friends!  That's always fun too! 

Anyways, still on the fence about this weekend, and I'm also trying to decide what to do about the February Calgary trial.  I already know I have a chem midterm the following Tuesday, and after the whole midterm after Vegas fiasco...yeeesh...maybe I'll enter one day.  Or maybe I'll run her one day and beg Sarah to run her the other?  LOL!

Courage

Found this today...I like it...

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." Mary Anne Radmacher

Puppy Partay

Michelle and Mack came down for what we like to call a puppy partay...Yee Haw!  Fun was had by all...although its really hard for us to get up to our regular photographic mischief when its -15C outside;).  Some of these are mine, and some are Michelle's...dare you to guess who's are who's lol!

Mack (aka Mack Daddy) Portraits 

Neena (aka Crazy Pants...I've been giggling about that for days, thanks Amanda!) Portraits

(this one doesn't count...Michelle obviously took it!)

I think they look like a happily married couple in this pic.

"Bouncing is what Tiggers do best"

 

We do the best with the camera's/lenses we have...but the truth is Michelle and I have lens lust...we both have plans for an upgrade, hopefully sooner than later!

3 Years!

I know I know...2 blogs in one day...what the heck right?  But today is Neena's 3 years in her furever home anniversary!

We went for a celebratory walk this afternoon...and I'm totally annoyed, I didn't check the settings on my camera so my photographs suck.  I suck. 

But Neena kinda sucks too...apparently she wasn't impressed that I had the camera attached to my face when I could have been playing with her.  The brat smacked the camera and knocked my contact out lol.

Three years is its still never boring!

Vision Board v.1.0

About a month after I moved out, the beautiful ambitious girl decided 'we' needed to make vision boards.  So one Thursday night, while watching Grey's Anatomy, she glued pictures out of magazines to her board, and I made a list of photo's I wanted to put on mine.  Over the next couple weeks I set creating my vision board, it worked to my advantage that I was taking a photography class around the same time...and I continued to add the occasional item over the following winter.  However, I never fully finished it, and I haven't added anything since the inspiration point photo...so when the beautiful ambitious girl mentioned not long ago we needed to make new vision boards, it got me thinking and I had to agree.  

I haven't shared it with too many people...it seemed too personal.  But its been on my bedroom wall all this time and while some my goals remain the same (e.g. vet school), some of them I/we have accomplished (e.g. Neena's weaving), and some of them have simply changed (e.g....not telling...that'll be v.2.0).  Instead of a reminder of where I'm headed, it feels more like a reminder of where I've been.  So I want to record it, I never want to forget who I was or where I was during this time of my life, and then I'm going to start the next version. 

And while I try to avoid the whole New Years resolution thingy...it sorta felt like a good way to kick off a new year!  That being said, Happy New Year!  All my best in 2011!