Numb

Blah. Where to start.

I've been in a...we'll call it a slump...

I knew I'd had some rough days, that's kinda human though right?  Overall I thought I'd been doing pretty good.  I know winter is always a little challenging for me, but I had a plan!  I started taking Vitamin D in September.  Last month I bought a 'happy lamp'.  Yep.  I've been keeping myself occupied and entertained and as far as time and life would allow I've been doing everything I thought I should to keep myself healthy, positive and happy.

I've been trying. I promise.

But the other day at the agility trial, it was Sarah and Amanda who played with Neena first. And normally that wouldn't bother me at all...except it hadn't even crossed my mind to play with her. Heck, I hadn't even brought a toy.

I hadn't even brought a toy.

I know I know, sounds like a silly thing to freak out about right? But it was more than just a blonde moment…trust me, I have plenty of those and I have NO problem owning up to them.  I was totally spaced out...and as I started thinking back over the past months…there were so many days, events, moments, where I've gone through the motions…but I haven't really been 'there'.

And I although I was thinking “this is not how I want to live my life” and “this is not the gal I want to be”...I felt numb. And absolutely drained.  I had no idea how, and worse no energy to pick up the pieces...again.  I wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.  Or cry in a bucket of Ben & Jerry's...just for you Sherry;)...you have so much faith in me...its humbling.

Anyways, it’s been a messy, ugly couple of weeks.  For now Priority #1 is to take better care of myself...sleep, exercise, and nutrition.  Priority #2 is Neena, it’s been a blow to realize just how far I tuned out on her…and it hurts that for now its a conscious effort to give her what she deserves.  She makes life so easy...its me that makes it so hard.  With a little work, hopefully the rest will fall in place too.

In the meantime, I’ve handled a lot of situations really badly.  I’ve turned moments that were intended to make me smile into drama.  I’ve let comments that I normally would have blown off hurt me.  I've dragged others down with me.  And I’ve lashed out in fear, pain and anger.  I’m disappointed in myself, but at this point I need to stop focusing on that, and start focusing on one step at a time.

That being said...I wanted to do this the beginning of the year...but as I do oh so often, I over thought it and let it slide.  There's a writer named Ann Voskamp who wrote a book called "One Thousand Gifts"...every Monday she adds to her 'a Thousand, Endless Gifts' list...today she entered #2218 on her blog.

I think it will be a good way to help me stay positive, and it’s also something I hope I can commit to even with my crazy schedule. So I'm gonna try to keep my own "One Thousand Gifts" list...we'll see if I always post it here...but its a start.

(p.s. this is in no particular order, its just whatever pops into my head.)

#1-9 of my Thousand, Endless Gifts
~ a border collie who walks with me
~ laundry warm from the dryer

~ the beautiful ambitious girl

~ strength to 'ride it out'

~ touch therapy

~ a bubble bath and a good book

~ a friend who I vicariously live through

~ brothers I can lean on
~ friends who have Neena's back